Misappropriation of Attraction

 Why is misappropriation of attraction dangerous?

Choosing the wrong person.

Infidelity

Divorce

As individuals many of us spend a lot of time looking for the "right" person. However, love itself isn't an concept to define. Some people define love as a sort of feeling you get, to be specific, your heart starts pounding, you might start feeling warm, and short of breath. Unfortunately these are also symptoms of an adrenaline rush. So, boys and girls if this is how we think attraction works all we need to do is take someone we like tandem bungee jumping and you're set for life! Wrong! Because it is also common knowledge that adrenaline rushes fade away. Therefore, it is easy for us as individuals to "occasionally" misappropriate our feelings of attraction. Sometimes, even when we are already in a committed relationship. 

Misappropriation of attraction is, in my opinion what makes choosing the "right" person so difficult. Misunderstanding our emotions can lead to us to individuals that are not the good for us. The idea of finding the right person generally comes with the stipulation that they make us happy. While finding someone who makes us happy it is imperative that we consider the long term consequences of a momentary joy. We have to self-evaluate our own feelings and try to understand ourselves. Self-awareness is important in a relationship. You have to be aware of your needs in a relationship and you have to be aware of whether those needs are being met or not; before you've made a more permanent decision.

Consequences for misappropriating feelings after marriage can have greater consequences overall. It is easy to misappropriate feelings when one does not feel their needs are being met in a committed relationship. This can cause individuals to look elsewhere even subconsciously and lead to the misappropriation of feelings. Which can lead to a more physical relationship outside of a marriage. Infidelity in a marriage easily becomes a serious issue for friction and conflict in a marriage. This is detrimental to a relationship straining everyone including children if the couple has children and eventually can lead to separation. 

It is really important to maintain self-awareness so that we can make a choice of partner with high confidence. Unfortunately we can never be 100% sure that who we choose is completely infallible. Whether or not we are misunderstanding our feelings is matter of how much we trust ourselves rather than our perspective partner. There are a lot more factors to finding a partner and I have definitely only focused on the a rather intimidating topic. Trusting our own decisions and being aware of consequences is very important. No one wants to make a decision they may regret or may simply cause them pain. 

Parenting: Benefits and Consequences

 The nature of parenting can be a difficult balance. It is different for everyone. Every child is unique every parent different. This makes parenting a struggle. I don't know what everyone else's idea of a good parent is, but my ideal is to be a parent who can effectively teach his child to be an independent problem solver who understands the nature of responsibility and the meaning of hard work. Growing up, I didn't understand concept of responsibility or hard work. This lack of revelation caused me to cave frequently under pressure and give up easily. It was only thanks to certain experiences in my life that I finally began to understand the meaning of responsibility and the nature of hard work. While opinions and personalities don't have to be universal but, the nature of hard work and responsibility should be. Imagine the feeling of knowing you sent your child out in the world prepared for to face difficulties.

The most important thing to do as a parent is to start taking the necessary steps early. The first step to take is establishing a hierarchy. Doing this must come with the understanding that you (the parent) are the one in charge. Establishing this hierarchy creates the foundation for the child to be able to trust the decisions of the "grown up" in the family, however this system involves making some uncompromising decisions. This can be difficult for many parents who want their child to feel heard. Ultimately the parent must be the final decision maker in the house. The parents are the ones who carry the most experience and understand the nature of consequences. This in effect gives the parent the most responsibility. Shirking this responsibility can lead to disastrous consequences. In an article called "The Collapse of Parenting: Why it's Time for Parents to Grow Up"  it talks about some of the possible consequences saying, "...the consequences can be far-reaching, starting with children’s eating habits, which might contribute to them becoming overweight and obese." The two may not seem directly correlated, however when we recognize the compromises we have made in regards to a child's eating habits such as giving up on making them eat healthy vegetables and giving them candy as part of a rewards system. Little things like this can pile up and lead to unintended consequences. 

There are still times when an established system of hierarchy by itself will fail. A parent that constantly exerts authority over their child may not always get the opportunity to learn and the parent becomes the villain. This can become especially true if a parent doesn't hold themselves accountable for the things they say and do. Children need to know they can trust their parents when they listen to them. By acting contrary to what you do and say you create an environment where a child no longer values the parent's opinion or doesn't trust the parent. Sometimes these unintended consequences leave a lasting impact on a child's development. In another article title "Parenting begets Parenting: A neurobiological perspective on early adversity and the transmission of parenting styles across generations" it states, "Young children’s enhanced sensitivity to their social world means that they are highly susceptible to adverse social experiences, including short-term, dramatic events... " While I believe some adversity is good for a child's development, it is imperative that parents hold themselves accountable for the example they provide to their children. I firmly believe that if a parent holds themselves accountable for their actions to their children it will create an environment where the child can trust their parent's decisions even if the parent themselves make a mistakes.

I would also like to point out that parents don't need to put up the perfect image in front of their child. You are guaranteed to fail if you try. Besides, being fallible helps children to accept their own mistakes. It is showing them that they can improve on their mistakes that is important. I couldn't accept failure when I was younger, if I failed at something then I would immediately give up and pretend like it never happened and if anyone brought it up I would get angry and defensive. As I grew older I realized that mistakes were something that could celebrated, because making a mistake gives us the opportunity to improve. If we seize this opportunity then we our skills expand and we see improvement. The satisfaction from this is liberating. I wish I had learned the value of a mistake when I was younger. If children learn to improve upon mistakes from a young age it will develop into a habit that carries on into adulthood. The child won't be afraid to try new things for fear of failure and improving on their mistakes will help them become independent. 

There is a lot more to parenting than I have described in this post, but I do believe that what I have expounded on can help to create a stable foundation for a parent child relationship. 

Family Work and Play

Long-term relationships like that of a Family tend to develop their own cultures and habits over time. While this is going on, the family can grow from being a married couple being parents with their children. When this occurs it is normal for the cultures and habits to change. These cultures and habit are widely determined by what the family does as a group. Two pretty common general actions a family take are family work and family play. Due to the fact that these two categories are pretty common in the family setting it stands to reason that both of these affect family cohesion and unity. The question however, is what does family work or play do to affect the family culture? To start these two categories are family building opportunities meaning that we are somewhat in control of their outcomes. These opportunities then create opportunity for bonding in the family.

Family work and play are family building opportunities in that they create an environment for a family to spend time together in a meaningful way. My family spent most time with the former rather than the latter. An example of family work in my life was when my father would take my brothers and I to help a member of our church move. It was fun and I interacted with my father most during those times. Not to mention the service we were doing was very fulfilling. I spent a lot of years in conflict with my father and it was during these moments where we were never at odds. I also felt close to my father in these moments. In contrast when my family and I would play games together more often than not one or all of us would get really competitive. I remember being a little kid and constantly getting frustrated because I couldn't beat my dad in a race. There were times when my family would play card games or board games together and while it was fun there was no real sense of bonding. We got to know how best to spark a conflict with each other though. Sometimes it feels like we spent more time in conflict rather than out of it. As we got older the serious competitivity died down and it was easier to have fun when playing games with each other. However, things could still get pretty intense. Once when I was playing a card game with my siblings my sister clawed the back of my hand a took a bunch of skin off. Regardless of the pain it was still a fun bonding experience. 

 This point actually leads me to my next topic. Family building opportunities through work and play create opportunities for bonding if used correctly. I emphasize, if used correctly. An opportunity can be misused if we don't know how to take advantage of the time properly. If used properly the effects on the children are astronomical. In a research article titled "The Importance of Play in Promoting Healthy Child Development and Maintaining Strong Parent-Child Bonds" located on the AAP website, it says, "Play allows children to create and explore a world they can master, conquering their fears while practicing adult roles, sometimes in conjunction with other children or adult caregivers." This particular quotes is specific to play, but I feel this applies just as much to family work as well. When parents work together with their children especially young children at basic things like household chores the child learns maintenance and problem solving. For young children it is also an opportunity for them to shape their views and opinion of work as whole. Many people see work today as a negative or a painful means to an end. By starting young, letting young children help when they want to help can allow them to begin viewing work as something positive. Play and work together in the family setting teach children valuable problem solving skills and it helps parents understand and get to know their children as well as each other. 

My parents do a lot of gardening together. My dad prepares the field and my mom plants the seeds. They don't have a lot of time to do this together, but it is something that they both make time for even if it's not together. As part of the effects of this activity I see my parents get closer. Mom and Dad both are happy to talk to each other about the work they've done in the garden they're always happy to show the work they've done as well. This work has been something that has brought them closer and it has shown. 

Things like work and play in the family are integral to positive family life. I invite everyone to think of ways they can spend time as a family to help build each other up and bond. I promise that no effort is wasted and it is never too late to put in your best effort. It is always worth it. 

Effective Communication in the Family

 How do we communicate effectively and how does effective communication influence our families?

Face to Face communication is more effective.

Last week I talked about how most conflict in the family, due to stress, or any other reason, can be resolve with a little communication. The challenge, however, is being able to communicate effectively. I can't speak for others, but I feel like I create misunderstandings wherever I go. Misunderstandings can easily create more stress and friction when tensions are already high. This can cause a situation to escalate unnecessarily making issues worse and tempers flare. So this begs the question, "How do we communicate effectively and how does effective communication influence our families?" Luckily for us, communication is something we can practice. We must recognize which forms of communication are most effective, learn to be conscious of how we react to conflict interactions, and try to understand the individuals we may be in conflict with.

Understanding the most effective way to communicate. Personally, I find face to face communication to be most effective especially when communicating through a conflict or misunderstanding. I have a few reasons why I think this. To start. When comparing face to face communication versus mediated communication such as facetime, the first pro for the face to face section is you don't have to wait for a buffer. Another reason is communication isn't determined by an otherwise flimsy connection which can fail unexpectedly. Face to face interactions allow to people to communicate directly with one another. It allows us to see peoples non-verbal queues more clearly than if your were talking over a phone or texting. Non-verbal queues are a form of communication without speaking. An example of this is gestures made when speaking, body posture, and eye contact. It can be difficult to gauge someone without these tells and make it easier for one or all the individuals involved to create misunderstandings. I don't want to completely eliminate mediated forms of communication as an option. Certain circumstances call for mediated forms of communication. My mom struggled a lot our first few years in the U.S. because she couldn't visit her family in the Philippines regularly she had to settle with buying prepaid cards to make international calls. My mom lived for those calls and when video calling was released she became a lot happier because she could see her family often even if it was only on a small screen. Before this a lot of conflict could be seen in the home. 

With ineffective communication in the home it becomes and environment where conflict thrives. Conflict can be difficult to resolve, especially when neither party wants to back down. If you want the conflict to end you have to be the one willing to take the step. Unfortunately, controlling other people isn't possible. So, that just leaves us. D.D. Burns outlines one the most effective points for communication. They are,

1.       Disarming Technique – find the kernel of truth. When a conversation gets heated it is easy to start speaking very quickly and talking about a lot  of different topics in one go. It's important for us to find the truth and acknowledge it. 

2.       Express Thought Feeling - Empathy. Try to understand how the other party is feeling and express it. This is most important in my opinion. Understanding the other party is key to resolving conflict, because it helps you understand why you are in conflict. Which makes it easier to resolve. 

3.       Inquiry- “Am I getting that right?” Just because you think you know how your partner is feeling doesn't necessarily mean you're right. So, it doesn't hurt to make sure you are understanding them.

4.       “I feel” statements - As a part of the conversation it is important to express your feelings as well to be able to come to a satisfactory resolution. Your feelings are important too. 

5.       Stroking Technique – Telling somebody something you authentically admire about someone. It's always a good thing to end a conflict with something positive. Pay the other party an honest compliment, something you really admire about them.

C    Communication is the key to making any relationship work, especially when it comes to family. Family is a life long connection and if we don't communicate and bond with each other that connection can sour and lead to negative consequences. So knowing things like D.D. Burns 5 secrets for Effective Communication.

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The Family Under Stress

Family relationships can be complicated. Complications can add unneeded stress in the relationship and the more people in the family the more friction that can be possible. However, not all stress is bad stress. Stress can actually help us grow and improve. It allows us to stretch our limits and progress passed what we thought we were capable of. However, just like medicine, if we take more than we can handle it can lead to destructive consequences. Too much stress can become bad stress. It is important to recognize our stress limit and find outlets the we can use to relieve stress. 

Stress generally, isn't seen as something that can be beneficial by most young people. My little brother often exclaims when he has hit his stress limit then isolates himself completely from others in hopes that he can destress and avoid stress. When I was younger I did the same thing. My problem however, was that my bar for stress was very low and I consigned myself to doing almost nothing all the time. Sleeping for 16 hours a day with no activity or ambition. In a study called "None toxic Family Stress: Potential Benefits and Underlying Biology", a test was done exposing children to what is called "normative" family stress and "moderate" family stress. Normative stress in this article was defined as "daily experiences with common family interactions and events that generate brief, mild expressions of negative affect (e.g., parent–child conflict, family demands, parental disappointment and associated feelings of irritability, frustration, disappointment, and sadness)." The researches illustrated their results using a graph and children exposed to "normative" stressed were the highest functioning while those exposed to extremely low stress and high stress recorded were the lowest functioning. I eventually got sick of doing nothing and started to force myself into situations that I found stressful and after a few months I began to see my problem solving skills improve and my bar for stress had increased astronomically. My sister has always been the all star when it came to performing under pressure she was the best of us when it came to pushing yourself and challenging your limits. She performed the best in school and was more level headed when she was under stress. 

During moments of stress in the family setting parents play a huge role in the household. In the same article cited previously they cite a source saying, "Parent responses communicate how negative emotions should be managed  (Lunkenheimer, Shields, & Cortina, 2007)" The parent set the tone for how the children will respond to stress. This puts a lot of responsibility on the parents because have to manage how they react to stress as an example to their children who they are setting the example for. If the parents can't handle stress then it stands to reason the child won't know how to handle it either. This was the case for my family growing up for sure. I couldn't recognize I was stressed until I was in high school. I reacted quite aggressively in response to it. My siblings and parents suffered as a consequence. We are all pretty much in the dark when it comes to stress management.

I benefitted a lot when I left home for a while. I met new people outside of my family's circle of influence. I got new role models who in my eyes were successful and happy, the most important thing I learned from them was that pressure was a good thing. Stress was part of the challenge to getting everything you wanted out of life. I finally realized that stress was good, the only challenge left was figuring out how to manage that stress. 

Stress can be overwhelming at times, but that doesn't mean we can't manage our stress to make it bearable and help us meet our goals. My uncle for instance is a very busy guy, I worked for him for a few months and I got to see how much stress he put himself under to meet his goals. During that summer he would spend 3-4 days out of town for work and then when he got back he was busy flipping rental houses. Part of the reason he didn't break down under that immense load of work was that he knew when it was time to relax. He would go outdoors or hang out with friends in a low stress environment. He would also always communicate with his family before he went out of town and trusted us to do our part too. He knew how to ask for help when it was necessary. It was from this that I learned I could manage my stress if it got too hard. Personally for me I could manage stress like my uncle so I had to go through some trial and error. This included figuring out what stressed me out and then figuring out how I could manage that stress. When it all boiled down to it for me I learned that I just needed to take a deep breath and focus on what I could control. 

Everyone is different and that makes it important to know how it is that we manage our stress as individuals. When or if we start a family this can set the framework for how we manage stress in the family setting and sets a good example for your children when the time comes.  

Sources: \Repetti, Rena L., and Theodore F. Robles. “Nontoxic Family Stress: Potential Benefits and Underlying ...” Wiley Online Library, 22 Mar. 2016, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/fare.12180. 

Sexual Intimacy in Relationships

 Usually when someone enters into a serious relationship things begin to get physical and the couple begins to take another step in their relationship. The couple begins to engage in sexual intimacy. In todays pop culture they tend portray sexual intimacy as the end goal to any relationship. It is the cherry on top as it were. While I believe sexual intimacy is important, it can also be a big adjustment in a relationship. Sexual intimacy is an expression of attraction and devotion, but it is easy sometimes to misunderstand such expressions and expectations. This is after all an act involving to people, while committed to each other, they are still different and unique individuals. A major difference, if we are talking about a heterosexual couple, would be each other's physical anatomy. Another issue can be the difference in expectations about Sexual intimacy. Lastly is being able to communicate those expectations and other things pertaining to sexual intimacy.

Sexual intimacy is a very physical expression in a relationship. It involves making yourself and your partner feel arousal and pleasure in the moment. This can be difficult considering your tastes and your partner's may be different and speaking if you are in a heterosexual relationship it can be harder due to the literal physical difference in anatomy. Specifically, a male will generally reach a sexual climax a lot earlier than a woman. Due to the difference in physiology there is can be a steep learning curve when learning about your partner's body and the things that can cause them arousal and pleasure. Not exploring these avenues can lead to you or your partner feeling dissatisfied in a relationship. Now a relationship isn't all about sexual intimacy, but it does plays a large part. Staying satisfied in a committed relationship can be difficult especially if people's expectations are different. 

 I think the main problem with expectations is trying to anticipate your partner's expectations. This can put a lot of pressure on a couple and even cause performance issues. Mismatched expectations can cause friction during and even after intercourse. Anticipation before intercourse can create anxiety as well. Trying to think about what your partner's expectations are without communicating with them is definitely stressful. The worst case would be thinking you know what your partner is expecting and finding out after that you did not. This makes it really important to be open about expectations, even if you're feeling a bit a trepidation over the fact. 

Being open about expectations is important. Not just when it comes to sexual intimacy. Communication is how you know you and your partner are on the same page. Everything I have brought up previously leads to this as the solution. Most issues in a relationship can be solved by this. If you talk to your partner about your expectations and your anxieties you can work together to resolve them. Talking can still be hard especially when sex is the topic. I was talking with a buddy of mine about this subject and he said something pretty profound. He said, "Talking with your partner about this is trading one moment of awkwardness to avoid a lifetime of discomfort and misunderstanding". It's a pretty good tradeoff; just say a few words and solve a lot of issues. Not talking can lead to everything you might be afraid of in a relationship occurring. My dad has never been the best communicator. I can think of many times he made a singular decision without consulting my mom. This was the spark for a lot of arguments in our household. Over time my dad has learned to communicate more effectively. Both of my parents are visibly happier and the household has benefitted from it. Communicating will always help you achieve your goals especially in intimate moments. It all just depends on what you want. 

New Marriage Adjustments

 While dating and courtship can be stressful a new marriage can be just as much so; if not more. There can be a bit of learning curve in the beginning due to cohabitation, difference in culture and other reasons that I may not be aware of.

In my family specifically difference of culture was easy to see. My dad is a white male born in the United States and my mother is a Filipina native. It was easy to see in most cases growing up that my Mom and Dad had a hard time understanding each other's way of thinking. However, not for lack of trying. My father and mother through a lot of painstaking effort turned our home into, in my opinion, the perfect blend of Philippine and American culture. It wasn't a fast change either it took time and effort. It fist started with the food my parents are both really good cooks and they would split the cooking responsibilities. Not only did this help them increase their partnership it also allowed them to share each of their cultures food with each other, my siblings and I. One compromise helped mediate two challenges that could have caused negative outcomes in the long term. It is communication like this that helps us to adjust to newly married life. While not married myself I am glad I have learned this as a preparation for the future. 

Communication is the key to adjustment in a marriage. If a newly wed couple doesn't communicate for even the small things it can lead to heavy consequences. In the 7th Edition of the book, "The Newly Married: A Family without Children", they talk about one of the most important factors to communicate about in a new marriage saying, "One of the more important tasks is establishing a pattern of resolving conflicts." Resolving conflict is important in any relationship and establishing a way to resolve conflict early on is really important. The same book states later on saying, "the pattern you establish in the first year of marriage is likely to be the pattern you maintain throughout your marriage." This means that it is really important to hash out as many would be communication issues as quickly as possible. One example of conflict resolution that I have seen and really enjoyed was in a show called "How I Met Your Mother", in it there is a couple their names are Marshall and Lily and one thing that they do if they feel a conflict is getting to heated they will say, "Pause!" to put the argument on hold until they both cool down a little bit. I enjoyed the concept though it's success rate wasn't perfect it was a habit they established early on and they always made sure to come back to the argument and resolve it. The "Pause" effect came with two commitments, one to put an argument on hold if it was getting too heated and 2 to always make sure they resolved the argument. Honestly, this is one of my favorite methods for conflict resolution. It helps to give the couple a moment to cool down and still make sure the conflict gets resolved. It's two bird and one stone as it were. 

Now I'm not saying that this is the only way to resolve conflict. Finding a way to resolve conflict is a very personal matter between the couple but it doesn't mean you can't learn from the examples of other couples or even on screen couples. Figuring things out definitely takes trial and error. What really matters is how important is it to you to establish good habits early on in your marriage? What are you willing to do so you can get there? My best advice. Talk to your spouse and hash things out. Communication will always be the first step to a solution involving more than one person, especially in marriage.