Love and Modern Dating

 Families are a phenomenal social unit they provide an environment for people to grow and improve in the best of situations however, the family unit can be very fragile and without proper support it can be difficult for families to stay together. This makes it important to realize for those of us looking to start families in the future. This also begs the question, "How do we find the right partner?"

This question leads me into the topic for this weeks post. In the U.S. the culture of letting ourselves be guided by our feelings takes precedence in most cases during daily life. This includes dating and relationships which makes modern dating that much more confusing. My personal opinion on relying solely on feelings to pick a partner is that it is grossly overrated. Finding a partner who makes you feel good is important however, feelings can be manipulated, fabricated, and misunderstood. The reason for this is because of certain chemicals that are present in our bodies. One of which is oxytocin. Oxytocin is the chemical in our bodies that affects our attachment, bonding, and trust with others. Immense amounts of oxytocin are released in a mother's body during childbirth, but this is not the only way oxytocin is released. Oxytocin can be released during very low stimulation exchanges such as touch or even kissing. These actions if done repeatedly can create the illusion of closeness due to the constant flow of oxytocin in the system. However, simply allowing ourselves to be thrown in every direction by a chemical that is easily released and stimulated into our system is utter fallacy. Oxytocin may affect our feelings to some extent, but that doesn't mean we lack reason. Reason is just as important in a relationship as our feelings. However, that is predicated on what we want out of a relationship. 

During a talk given by Scott Stanley titled "Sliding vs. Deciding" he(being Scott Stanley), often calls modern dating and relationship habits as "ambiguous", meaning that relationships remain vague without any clear labels or expectations. Stanley identifies the reason for this emotional ambiguity as a way to avoid risk. When things become clearer in a relationship it can invite certain fears about commitment and marriage which slowly turns into an aversion towards risk. Ambiguity is the "buffer" that "protects" a person from their fear of commitment. Really!? In what way does this help!? This is a clear invitation to a whole new set a reasons to feel anxious. How can you feel safe if you have no idea how to define a relationship with someone? I suppose this begs an even more important question. What do you want from a relationship? 

If you want a steady relationship it pays to be clear things up. It is also important to listen to reason. Happy feelings don't guarantee a happy relationship. It pays to know what you want; if you know what you want you can communicate that with people you like and see if that's what they want too. Ambiguity isn't fair. Not to the other party. I have a buddy who let themselves walk into what could only be described as an ambiguous relationship. This friend put a lot into their ambiguous relationship thinking that if they put enough effort in the relationship would become more secure. It did not and my friend ended really hurt. Pain comes no matter what. Ambiguity does not help and simply relying on how people make you feel to find a partner isn't reliable. I reinforce once again. What is it that you want? In a relationship and a partner. It's important to answer these questions for yourself before the oxytocin and other chemicals start to make you go crazy. If you can answer these questions you can go into relationships confident in what you want without feeling a need to compromise. That doesn't mean however, that you can't adjust what it is you want as time goes on. Take the time to figure out what you want. If you do you won't regret it. We all deserve the best possible partner and we all deserve to have our relationships defined to us clearly.  

Sources: 

Uvnäs-Moberg, Kerstin, et al. “Self-Soothing Behaviors with Particular Reference to Oxytocin Release Induced by Non-Noxious Sensory Stimulation.” Frontiers, Frontiers, 1 Jan. 1AD, https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.01529/full#:~:text=Oxytocin%20is%20released%20in%20response,stroking%2C%20warm%20temperature%2C%20etc.

Stanley, Scott. “Scott Stanley – Sliding vs. Deciding: How Life before ‘I Do’ Impacts Lasting Love.” YouTube, YouTube, 9 Feb. 2015, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzZ-1nGNCZM&t=2277s&ab_channel=LoveandFidelityNetwork.

Gender Normative Preferences in Infants Without Self-Awareness and Accepting and Understanding Differences

Children's views are important. How they see the world is how the future will be shaped, because children are the ones that will be in charge of the future. This makes it important understand children and understand how we want to influence them. The most important thing is that children just like anyone else have their own opinions. 

Some of their opinions are more stereotypical than others. Like, for instance, preferences based on gender. Where I'm from in Washington it's pretty common thinking to view gender preferences as something influenced by society and normative parenting influences. Due to these reasons preferences and behavior based on gender influence by "society" was a bad thing. This begs the question are these gender-typical opinions influenced by outside influence? Or is it an inborn preference?

In an article called "Sex Differences in Infants’ Visual Interest in Toys", they took two toys, a doll and a truck, and showed them to infants between 5-6 months old. Before an infant could have the self-awareness to recognize gender identity. The result showed the majority of the female infants were more focused on the doll than to toy truck, but the male infants of attention was relatively split between the two toys slightly favoring the doll, but according to the article they described it saying, "the effect was not significant." The male infants also favored the truck more than the female infants by comparison. This does show that males and females have distinct preferences even before they are aware of gender identity. More female infants fixated on the doll than the males did and more male infants focused on the trucks than the females. Of course one test doesn't determine absolute fact. 

An interesting article that I found was a similar test as the one previous, but it was done on nonhuman primates. This study is called "Sex differences in response to children's toys in nonhuman primates", in the article it says, "males had greater contact time with the “masculine” toy set" and "females compared to males had higher percent contact with the “feminine” toys." Gender preferences literally span species! It is absolutely normal for there to be normal gender-typical behavior. Nevertheless, it is up to us how we want to influence these behaviors. 

I think by understanding gender differences and gender-typical behavior we can better teach the future generation. We're all going to have our own opinions, but it is how we shape the next generation that we shape the future. I think embracing differences is good and acknowledging they exist and not for any particularly clear reason is good. If everyone is different then everyone has something to learn about each other. The more we learn from about and from our families, the more we can help each other. It's not just about being different it's about learning about what makes us different and trying to understand what makes everyone else different.

No one in my family is the same. We may have the same quirks, but hobbies, pet peeves, and even looks have distinct differences. I was never very good with trying to understand my family. So, I was in conflict a lot. By trying to understand my family and learning to accept our differences as well as understand them, my relationship with my family especially my younger sister has improved a lot. I talk to my sister more frequently, I've bonded with my brothers and gotten over all of my angsty issues with my parents. I've learned to love them all to death. If you're having difficulties with your family whether you be a child or a parent, ask yourself, "What can I do to understand them better?" I guarantee that if you do your best things will get better. 

Sources: Alexander, G.M., Wilcox, T. & Woods, R. Sex Differences in Infants’ Visual Interest in Toys. Arch Sex Behav 38, 427–433 (2009). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-008-9430-1;

Gerianne M Alexander, Melissa Hines,

Sex differences in response to children's toys in nonhuman primates (Cercopithecus aethiops sabaeus)

Evolution and Human Behavior,

Volume 23, Issue 6,

2002,

Pages 467-479,

ISSN 1090-5138,

https://doi.org/10.1016/S1090-5138(02)00107-1.

(https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1090513802001071);

Acculturation and Family Struggles for Immigrants

  Last week I talked about dynamics within the family and the prevailing theories surrounding them and other human interactions. This week I will talk about some specifics situations where these established relationships can begin to change. The situation I'm going to be focusing on is acculturation of families due to immigration. For those of you who may not know acculturation means according to the Miriam Webster Dictionary Application "cultural modification of an individual, group, or people by adapting to or borrowing traits from another culture." 

Acculturation can have a serious effects on a family. According to the DHS report on only illegal immigrant population  there was an estimated 11.4 million illegal immigrants. These are 11.4 million people trying to adjust and adapt to a new culture and life style that differs from their own. It can be a largely stressful scenario. Many of these people may even be families, though that made clear in the report. Can you imagine how difficult it would be to adjust to an entirely new culture with a different way of thinking and acting? This report is only on illegal immigrants; can you imagine including the amount of immigrants who immigrated legally? In the reading called, "The Costs of Getting Ahead: Mexican Family System Changes After Immigration" by Martica L. Bacallao and Paul R. Smokowski; they cite another article saying, "Normative conflicts between parents and adolescents can be exacerbated by acculturation stress, creating intercultural as well as intergenerational difficulties between family members." 

Speaking from experience as an immigrant who immigrated early in life; I learned a lot through this study on conflicts due to acculturation stress. My mother and I immigrated when I was about 4 years old to the United States. Acculturation was very difficult for my Mom I remember most times she was stressed and felt lonely because she only had my dad who is a white American to lean on. I don't mean to be pointed towards race when I say this I only mean to emphasize the difference in culture. On an even more personal note I came to America accustomed to living in the Philippines. Many things about the Philippines were different to be more specific the concept of Familism. 

Familism according to "The Costs of Getting Ahead: Mexican Family System Changes After Immigration" by Martica L. Bacallao and Paul R. Smokowski, "involves a deeply ingrained sense of the individual being inextricably rooted in the family. The term encompasses attitudes, behavior, and family structures within an extended family system." Growing up I spent most of my time as a toddler surrounded by a village full of people I was related to. When I left, things were hard. I could only conversate with adults who knew my language and because of communication barriers I became impatient and prone to conflict and violence when I was younger. This put me in conflict with my parents for quite a while. 

We see how acculturation can be quite a struggle for families moving to new countries or even just parts of their country with a different way of thinking. I lived in the southeastern United States for two years and realized quickly that people's thinking was quite different from being in the Pacific Northwest. Adjustments are hard and I want know what I can do to prevent things like this from happening. My for those of us who might be in a similar situation is; how can we recognize and resolve conflicts that could arise in our families that might be due to acculturation stress?

Personally I believe being informed on the subject can really help us identify when we might be feeling acculturation stress and also when our family members might be feeling the same. To resolve a problem we first have to identify the problem. Strengthening our family relationships is also important. Find excuses to spend time with each other regularly. I hope we can all come up with more ideas to help ourselves if we ever face situations like this.

Sources:

Baker, Bryan. “Estimates of the Unauthorized Immigrant Population ...” Estimates of the Unauthorized Immigrant Population Residing in the United States: January 2015–January 2018, Jan. 2021, https://www.dhs.gov/sites/default/files/publications/immigration-statistics/Pop_Estimate/UnauthImmigrant/unauthorized_immigrant_population_estimates_2015_-_2018.pdf.

Bacallao, L. Martica, Smokowski, R. Paul.  "The Costs of Getting Ahead: Mexican Family System Changes After Immigration" Jan. 2007

Family Dynamics At Play

Families come in all shapes and sizes they also have their own dynamics and functions. I like to think every family is unique each family has their own way of doings and handling their children. However, this doesn't mean we can't learn from the examples of these families. In the book Marriage and Family in America: Needs, Myths, and Dreams, they outline a few theories that can be seen when observing families. 

Three specific theories that stuck were:

Exchange Theory: This theory supports the idea that cost should not exceed reward. Robert and Jeanette Lauer describe this saying, "Exchange Theory Posits a rational assessment of a situation. The individual weighs the pros and cons, the costs and rewards, of a situation." This week while doing some personal shopping I actually came across a couple that was doing just this. At first glance the couple was standing in front of the Nintendo section in Walmart and they seemed to be in a heated debate over whether to get something or not. The exchange went back and forth for a few minutes and ultimately I didn't see how it ended, but, it was clear this was a "serious" decision that warranted the discussion of pros and cons. Though the conversation was heated there was still discussion and not one member of the couple demanding control which leads me to the next theory. 

Conflict Theory: This theory is the idea that all societies are defined by conflict and inequality due to insufficient resources. While out shopping I saw examples of this quite often. I noticed a child asking for a toy in the children's section of the store and the parent telling them no. The resulting cries from the child were very apparent leaving no one to doubt that the parent and child were in conflict. I feel like conflict theory was what I observed most commonly when I was out and about shopping. Couples would argue about things not being in the budget and children would be complaining about not getting something they wanted. I was definitely one of the complaining children at one point in my life. Conflict Theory is definitely something I am accustomed to. The real question, however is how does something like Exchange Theory and Conflict Theory affect us as individuals? How will it affect the upbringing of our children and/or future children? The third theory I am going to discuss asks these same questions.

Symbolic Interaction Theory: This theory views humans as creatures who are shaped and influenced by interaction experiences. I saved this theory for last because the previous two theories worked around the interaction experience itself in a way that those two theories defined an individuals behavior. Symbolic Interaction Theory, however views the interaction experience as a whole is what influences individuals. To quote Marriage and Families in America again, "...what happens in interaction is a result not merely of what individuals bring to it, but also of the interaction itself." 

I knew a few people who thrived on conflict and would try to start an argument just to get a rise out of someone. One individual in particular would laugh as he saw someone get frustrated. I won't name anyone here to avoid conflict. This individual explained that they and their siblings would often get into conflict and that was how they bonded. Personally I wasn't a fan. In contrast I was out shopping and I saw a father rolling his daughter around in a cart. The daughter was no more than four or five years old and she was talking to her father at what sounded anything and everything. Her father was attentive and asked questions treating her like an equal in the conversation. The girl was well behaved in the store and was open with her father. I was honestly impressed for the brief moment of the conversation that I heard. 

In these two examples we have to different interaction experiences and two different outcomes. Personally I am more inclined to support Symbolic Interaction Theory. It makes one come to realize the effect we can have on others especially our families.

I'd invite everyone to take that to heart and think about the way you interact with your families or how you plan to interact with a family you may have in the future. Interactions have power and luckily enough if we are conscious of that the power will be in our hands and we can affect the outcome.  

Why Aren't People Having Kids!?

In recent years fertility rates have dropped in the United States. In 2018 according to the CDC the fertility rate was at 1.728 and in 2019 it dropped to 1.705. For the U.S. to effectively replace their population, the fertility rate would need to 2.1 which is the equivalent of 2100 birth per 1000 women. In contrast, the current numbers are lower by a wide margin. The United States isn't the only country struggling with this as well. It has become an issue throughout the world. 

Why would you think this is important? Lois M. Collins from Deseret News uses Demographics Intelligence Chief Lyman Stone as her main source in her article "Declines in America's Fertility Rate May be Stabilizing. Is There Hope for a Reversal?" She quotes stone saying, "The entire economy is an intergenerational transfer good luck selling your house if there's no one there to buy it." An intergenerational transfer in laymen's terms is a transfer of anything from one generation to another. This means without a new generation to take the reins, it is impossible to an economy to maintain itself. From an economic point of view people are the greatest resource. Ms. Collins also says, "Among social reasons, economic research shows less population growth leads to less innovation and entrepreneurship, smaller rates of per capita economic growth and problems with intergenerational transfers, from stock market to Social Security and home sales." The part that sticks out to me the most is "less innovation", with less births we miss opportunities to produce great thinkers and innovators leaving society to just collapse. In a video interview with the Wall Street Journal Elon Musk, a great innovator and entrepreneur in his own right says, "Population collapse is potentially the greatest risk to the future of civilization."

So this begs the question. Why don't people want kids?  Npr.org talks about declining birthrates in Germany even though they invest 260 billion dollars a year into 156 family-oriented projects. With this much money you'd think it would stand to reason more children would be born, but it had no effect. NPR explores this further identifying career as one of the possible reservations women may have about child-baring. The cite the Institute for Higher Education Information Systems in Hanover who identified that 10 years of graduating college women with children were making far less money than their childless female co-workers. A Harvard study posted on "gap.hks.harvard.edu/" explored this issue as well in the United States and as an example of one of their findings on this issue they state that Mothers were 6 times less likely than childless women to be recommended for a job and if they were their recommended starting salary was around 7.9% less than a childless woman.  Going back to NPR they quote the German Minister of Labor, Ursula von der Leyen's experience when having her first child. She says, "All my colleagues at the hospital where I worked were disappointed that I was pregnant because they thought that I would never ever come back," she recalls. "But when I did return, they were disappointed in me and questioned whether I would be a good mom. It was awful." 

This kind of culture can definitely be detrimental to women who are considering starting a family. How would you feel knowing that if you had a child your chances for higher wages and even gaining employment would diminish? How would it feel to experience the same as Mrs. von der Leyen? With reservations like these it is almost not surprising why a woman wouldn't want to have children. However, as a consequence we face the inevitable collapse of society. 

So how do we resolve this? There are the obvious reasons like closing the wage gaps and looking at a woman for her qualifications to do a job and not using children as a consideration. Regardless of this though it is ultimately still the choice of the woman whether she wants to have children or not. I don't think adding pressure is going to help, but at least removing any obstacles that might cause reservations for the individual should be implemented and outwardly it seems like a few simple fixes. I'm sure there are more reasons as well and I've only really outlined a couple of possible issues. I hope anyone reading this will do more research on their own and expand their understanding. 

Sources:

Gochnour, Natalie. “Natalie Gochnour: What Utah's Historically Low Fertility Means for the State.” Deseret News, Deseret News, 6 Dec. 2018, https://www.deseret.com/2018/12/6/20660479/natalie-gochnour-what-utah-s-historically-low-fertility-means-for-the-state.

WSJDigitalNetwork. “'Tesla as the World's Biggest Robot Company:' Elon Musk on AI and U.S. Innovation | WSJ.” YouTube, YouTube, 6 Dec. 2021, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSD_vpfikbE&ab_channel=WallStreetJournal.

Nicholson, Esme. “Germany's Paradox: Family-Friendly Benefits, but Few Kids.” NPR, NPR, 7 May 2013, https://www.npr.org/2013/05/07/180610371/germanys-paradox-family-friendly-benefits-but-few-kids.

Correll, Shelley J., Stephen Benard, and In Paik. "Getting a Job: Is There a Motherhood Penalty? 1." American journal of sociology 112.5 (2007): 1297-1339.