Love and Modern Dating

 Families are a phenomenal social unit they provide an environment for people to grow and improve in the best of situations however, the family unit can be very fragile and without proper support it can be difficult for families to stay together. This makes it important to realize for those of us looking to start families in the future. This also begs the question, "How do we find the right partner?"

This question leads me into the topic for this weeks post. In the U.S. the culture of letting ourselves be guided by our feelings takes precedence in most cases during daily life. This includes dating and relationships which makes modern dating that much more confusing. My personal opinion on relying solely on feelings to pick a partner is that it is grossly overrated. Finding a partner who makes you feel good is important however, feelings can be manipulated, fabricated, and misunderstood. The reason for this is because of certain chemicals that are present in our bodies. One of which is oxytocin. Oxytocin is the chemical in our bodies that affects our attachment, bonding, and trust with others. Immense amounts of oxytocin are released in a mother's body during childbirth, but this is not the only way oxytocin is released. Oxytocin can be released during very low stimulation exchanges such as touch or even kissing. These actions if done repeatedly can create the illusion of closeness due to the constant flow of oxytocin in the system. However, simply allowing ourselves to be thrown in every direction by a chemical that is easily released and stimulated into our system is utter fallacy. Oxytocin may affect our feelings to some extent, but that doesn't mean we lack reason. Reason is just as important in a relationship as our feelings. However, that is predicated on what we want out of a relationship. 

During a talk given by Scott Stanley titled "Sliding vs. Deciding" he(being Scott Stanley), often calls modern dating and relationship habits as "ambiguous", meaning that relationships remain vague without any clear labels or expectations. Stanley identifies the reason for this emotional ambiguity as a way to avoid risk. When things become clearer in a relationship it can invite certain fears about commitment and marriage which slowly turns into an aversion towards risk. Ambiguity is the "buffer" that "protects" a person from their fear of commitment. Really!? In what way does this help!? This is a clear invitation to a whole new set a reasons to feel anxious. How can you feel safe if you have no idea how to define a relationship with someone? I suppose this begs an even more important question. What do you want from a relationship? 

If you want a steady relationship it pays to be clear things up. It is also important to listen to reason. Happy feelings don't guarantee a happy relationship. It pays to know what you want; if you know what you want you can communicate that with people you like and see if that's what they want too. Ambiguity isn't fair. Not to the other party. I have a buddy who let themselves walk into what could only be described as an ambiguous relationship. This friend put a lot into their ambiguous relationship thinking that if they put enough effort in the relationship would become more secure. It did not and my friend ended really hurt. Pain comes no matter what. Ambiguity does not help and simply relying on how people make you feel to find a partner isn't reliable. I reinforce once again. What is it that you want? In a relationship and a partner. It's important to answer these questions for yourself before the oxytocin and other chemicals start to make you go crazy. If you can answer these questions you can go into relationships confident in what you want without feeling a need to compromise. That doesn't mean however, that you can't adjust what it is you want as time goes on. Take the time to figure out what you want. If you do you won't regret it. We all deserve the best possible partner and we all deserve to have our relationships defined to us clearly.  

Sources: 

Uvnäs-Moberg, Kerstin, et al. “Self-Soothing Behaviors with Particular Reference to Oxytocin Release Induced by Non-Noxious Sensory Stimulation.” Frontiers, Frontiers, 1 Jan. 1AD, https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.01529/full#:~:text=Oxytocin%20is%20released%20in%20response,stroking%2C%20warm%20temperature%2C%20etc.

Stanley, Scott. “Scott Stanley – Sliding vs. Deciding: How Life before ‘I Do’ Impacts Lasting Love.” YouTube, YouTube, 9 Feb. 2015, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzZ-1nGNCZM&t=2277s&ab_channel=LoveandFidelityNetwork.